The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
