There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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