I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
