I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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