I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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