Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize