Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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