I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
