you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
