My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
