he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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