I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
