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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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