12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
do nipples grow back?
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