Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
