I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
