Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
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