I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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