Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
