My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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