Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
