new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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