Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
