I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
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