good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
