Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
