I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
