You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
