I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
