I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
