I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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