Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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