New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
