connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
