Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
