She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
