it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize