I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
