My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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