I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
