Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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