I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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