At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
