No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
