when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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