Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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