I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
