Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize