She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
