gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
