no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize