in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
