a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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