I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
