I cannot find my penis.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Randomize
