I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
