i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
