I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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