I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
