do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
