Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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