she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
