Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize