also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I believe in your delicious
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
