I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
