That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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