I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
