If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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