I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
